Hello World!

Wow. Long time no…anything?

Sorry guys. I’ve been so incredibly busy the past 2 months or so. College is fun but equally pain in the ass, life is chaotic to say the least, and I have two new jobs….*sigh*

I work about 25 hours a week at the moment, as a nanny of course, watching four kids from newborn to age 9. Not all at once, don’t worry! I have a full load of classes that are thankfully almost over. I’m making all A’s as well. Yay me!

Since my birthday things have just gotten increasingly busy. Trying to balance work and classes, a somewhat action packed social life, and saving to buy a house=insane.

Let’s see….what have I done? Hmmm….well I’ve gotten a little group of new and interesting friends, I’ve visited my first ever strip club {female strip club by the way], I’ve partied at clubs and bars [something I never used to do], and I had one of the most interesting Halloween’s I think I’ve ever had. It was a monumental moment in time to say the least. I was a pirate and yes I have pictures. I’ll post them eventually.

Oh and let’s not forget my two week long fling with a guy who decided I wasn’t worth his time. Oh yes. I had one of those. He was nice enough I suppose. We went on a few dates, hung out a bit, talked on the phone…two weeks later he decides he’d rather be a skank and not involve himself in any sort of relationship. Jee thanks.

I’ve completely gotten over “C”, which not to say that he doesn’t still cross my mind every now and then. But, honestly, he’s making it very easy for me to just stay pissed and want nothing to do with him. Every few months he calls/texts me. Now you’re probably thinking, “oh, well that’s not too bad” but how wrong you are. Let me clarify. When I say call/text, I mean REPEATEDLY, over and over again, sometimes 4-5 times in a row. And not only that, but it always happens to be either while I’m in class or at 1am, 2am, or even 3am. That my friends, is stalking. One of these happy occasions was on my birthday! He called like 10 times in a row until I finally got so mad I answered. What did he do? He proceeds to tell me that we should still be together and I should give him another chance, basically bitching me out. What does he NOT do? Wish me happy birthday. MAJOR loss of points there buddy. Ugh. He was so concerned with himself and what he wanted that he forgets to even tell me happy birthday. Not cool.

Anywho, at some point during these few months I’ve gotten particularly close to my best guy friend that I’ve known for about 4 years. We’ve always been close. Very close. But recently it has evolved into a closeness I haven’t had with anyone in a while. Sounds great right? Wrong. He kinda, sorta has a somewhat girlfriend. Well, actually she IS his girlfriend but it’s very complicated. She’s in the Army and she’s been leaving off and on for weeks at a time the past few months. And this Tuesday she is getting deployed for a year to Kuwait. SO COMPLICATED! I know he loves her and he’s very close to her, but I can feel him getting a lot closer to me as well. It has this sort of awkwardness to it though. He’s even told me he feels bad for spending so much time with me but at the same time he doesn’t want to stop. See, before you think I’m a horrible person, I should tell you that they had decided to call off their relationship a while back. They agreed it was healthiest to not try to make it work long distance for that length of time. They were not on the best of terms and for the past year or so their relationship has been slowly getting worse. He was hardly ever happy anymore.

See? I’m not satan. I would never want to be a “homewrecker” or a cause for a breakup for any reason. I’m not like that. I have boundaries and that definitely falls into a category I’d rather not get involved with. I secretly have wished and even told him that I’d rather him be with me. But I only told him because he asked. I know that DOES sound me but it’s the truth. She doesn’t make him happy anymore but at the same time he loves her and I know it’s difficult for him. See, he has had cancer…twice. And the second time he had it, she was the one there for him. There is a bond there that he can’t and won’t ever break. I understand that. I’ve told him how I feel and we’ve agreed that things should just be taken very slow and see where the whole thing leads. At the same time, we’ve gotten so close and shared so many feelings that it feels like there is already more there. It’s so confusing and even a little bit heartbreaking.

I’m falling in love with him. He doesn’t know that and I’m not going to tell him either. I don’t want to be a rebound. I kind of already feel like one. I know it’s not intentional but he is subconsciously using me to build up a wall and get over her. He is trying to lessen the blow of her leaving by getting close to me. I haven’t told him this either. Even though we have discussed rebounds and the likelihood of this being exactly that. He says he does not believe that I am a rebound for him. He gave reasons but they really didn’t make sense and I definitely FEEL like a rebound already. I don’t know if I will ever tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. However, this is something that will have to be tread on very lightly as to not end up with one or both of us having a broken heart. I’m scared to ever date him. I’m afraid he will never really let go of her because of the fact that she was there for him through one of his worst times. I’m afraid that when she comes back he will start to feel something for her again. Something that he may use me to push to the back of his mind while she’s gone. I’m afraid that if we dated and it failed that I would lose yet another best friend and my heart can’t take that. I’m just completely and totally scared and I don’t know what, if any, of this I should tell him.

So all in all…in the past two months I have fallen in love with my best friend, who has absolutely no idea, worked my butt off, partied like a rockstar, and made some new friends…I guess that’s not so bad is it?  Even though it sounds like a soap opera….

Happy Birthday To Me

This past Wednesday was my birthday, and last night was my birthday party. All week I was looking forward to it. I had planned it for three weeks and was sure it was going to be a blast. Then all of a sudden like half of the people that originally said they were coming bailed out on me. THE NIGHT BEFORE.

Thankfully, everything worked out anyway. There were a few different people than originally planned, but still the same amount. 12 people.

We had the biggest party at the Comedy Zone. We got front tables and I was so excited! Everyone had a blast. The comedian there was hilarious and the drinks were even better. I got called out by the comedian because it was my birthday. It was awesome.

After the Comedy Zone we went next door to the club. I didn’t care for that so much. It wasn’t my favorite place that’s for sure. But everyone drank and had a good time overall. Not many people that came with me danced but they still seemed to be having fun. I ended up not paying for anything. My drinks were paid for, my ways in were paid for. Pretty sweet. We all took shots of Jack Daniels and talked, and messed around. It was really fun. Next time I’m going to a different club though.

There was only one small thing I’d want to change. I wish I could know what was wrong with my best friend. He told me today that last night was only “OK.” I asked him why and he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I think I know what it is because it was the same thing for me. I could see it all over his face. It broke my heart.

I Didn’t Cry

It’s true.

I thought that I would cry last night, but I didn’t. No penguin hugging tears. I think it may have just been sheer exhaustion that prevented the tears, however.

Today…I cried.

I feel very alone. I have friends. Very close friends that I’ve been talking to throughout this whole ordeal. Yet somehow, I still feel all alone. There isn’t the connection there that I’m wanting so desperately to have. There is no closeness. There is no “C.”

I’ve been missing him for probably the last week now but after that text, I can’t stop thinking about things again. It sucks. My grieving process wasn’t over. I hadn’t healed enough to be able to handle hearing from him so soon.

I told my mom today, during a discussion about the new nanny job I’ve taken on, that “This is why I need a “C.” I need him to be there for me through all these new things I’m going through…alone. I need him to listen. To hug me when I’m having a bad day. She reminded me of course, of how he wasn’t really listening to my problems the last few weeks we were together. It made me mad and made me cry, but she’s right. “C” wasn’t there the way I needed him to be the last few weeks. But it hurts to be reminded. I just miss him.

I’m currently debating on whether or not I should call off my birthday plans for next Friday. Part of me wants to and another part of me doesn’t. The part of me that does, feels guilty for making plans and going on with my life without “C.” I was supposed to be with him on my birthday. No one else. He said he had an awesome present planned for me and I was going to love it. And then with the text yesterday, telling me he just wanted to tell me “Happy Birthday” because my birthday was coming up, I just feel heartbroken. I had been wondering the past few days if I’d even hear from him on my birthday or if he’d just ignore me and not say anything. I hadn’t heard from him in so long I just figured he’d moved on and forgotten about me. But I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d hear from him on my birthday. And then, I did. Well, sort of.

Any who, the part of me that doesn’t want to cancel my birthday plans, wants to go out and have fun with my friends. But I think the side that wants to cancel is winning. All of the friends I have invited, minus a few, are in relationships. I’ll be one of the only single people there. And I think that would just be a sad, constant reminder throughout the night, that I’m not with “C.” Everyone else has someone and I’m all alone. How could I possibly have fun if the night is just going to remind me of this? And like I said, I feel guilty for even considering having fun when “C” isn’t there to have fun with me. I know that’s very stupid. But I can’t help how I feel. I just don’t think I’m ready for this. I thought I was.

When I first started making birthday plans I was all excited and couldn’t wait for it to get here. I just knew it would be so much fun. But since I’ve been thinking about “C” the past few days, it’s seemed like a lot less fun. And then getting the texts from him just sent me over the edge. I was already feeling bad and that just made it worse. I don’t know what to do.

I wish this weren’t so hard for me. I wish this wasn’t happening at all. Why couldn’t we have just made it work and been happy together like we always said we would? How could we have gone through so much together and known each other so well, and not be “meant to be?” We have identical thought processes. We think so much alike. We know each other better than anyone else does. How could we have not made this work? Why couldn’t we do this? This feels so wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. And I certainly shouldn’t be feeling the way I’m feeling right now. This is by far the hardest break up I’ve ever been through. No break up is easy, but this one takes the cake. And I’m almost positive it’s because we’ve known each other for so long and were friends before we dated. I put up with a lot more than I should have from him because of that. I didn’t want to lose him. Even when I was unhappy, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing not only my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. And now that it’s over, I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or what I’m supposed to be doing.

I think in a way that “C” is having just as hard of a time with this as I am, or he wouldn’t have contacted me this soon. I don’t know what made him decide to, like I said, I’m not going to ask. He hadn’t been contacting me so I’m not sure what caused this turn of events but I kind of wish it hadn’t happened. At least not right now. If he was only wanting to wish me happy birthday then why didn’t he wait until my actual birthday? Is he going to contact me again on my actual birthday? Maybe. No matter what I do there is going to be no way to prepare for that. Maybe he won’t since he kind of already wished me happy birthday. But if he does, it’s just going to be another rip in my heart. Maybe there was some other reason he contacted me but I threw him off by replying. Maybe he had thought, or even hoped, that I wouldn’t reply. Maybe he just wanted to let me know he was moving and that he wanted to see me before he did. I don’t know. I don’t know anything and it’s an awful feeling.

It’s only been 3 weeks since I last spoke with him, not over a month like I was thinking. It has just seemed so much longer. I really doubt he has gotten a new girlfriend in that little amount of time. I don’t really know anyone that could get a girlfriend/boyfriend in that short amount of time. But, as my mom made sure to remind me, just because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t dated. It was nothing serious obviously if he did. But maybe he didn’t. Like me, maybe he hasn’t done anything. Maybe he still does love me and have strong feelings for me. He wouldn’t be moving to Wilmington if there was someone else. I took comfort in that. But I can’t take comfort in not knowing what he HAS done the past few weeks. This whole thing is a disaster.

I don’t know what to do.

Just A Text?

I have very bad luck or very bad timing, or a combination of the two. I started to write a blog post yesterday but I didn’t…obviously. It was going to be about how I have been missing “C” but at the same time my feelings are hurt by the fact that I have heard nothing from him since the day he decided to call it quits for good. I felt like I had just been replaced so very easily. It kind of hurt…a lot.

Well today as I was sitting down for class in American History, I noticed I had a text on my phone. I just assumed it was the usual best friends or whatever. It wasn’t. I actually had to look at my phone several times to make sure I wasn’t looking at an old text. It was from “C.” I couldn’t believe it. I had just been talking about him to my mom and to various friends the past few days. I was talking about how I hate that we have had no contact and how I’m starting to miss him again. Blah, blah, blah.

And so I sit there for a minute, debating in my head on whether or not I should text him back. I started not to but then I thought ignoring him would make him think I hated him or that I was completely over him, which obviously isn’t the case. So I text him back after deleting the text I was about to send, several times, for the simple fact that it seemed too mean or rude.

I discussed the texts with my friends and wondered what I should or shouldn’t do. I was given similar, but yet very different, opinions/advice. The whole thing is one big, heartbreaking mess. I missed “C” yes, but I wasn’t prepared for this in any way. I was not ready to talk to him again yet. I had made the decision not to contact him after considering it carefully several times. It just isn’t the right timing. And then here comes this text. It’s like “C” and I are on the same brain wave or we have identical thought processes. Like twins you know? How in the world did I get a text from him just a few days after thinking the same things and missing him the same ways? And even after deciding NOT to write a blog about the fact that he has just “erased me from his life” and “doesn’t care anymore.” It seems so weird. Very bad Juju. I was just thinking he hated me and was busy getting on with his life without me and then this. I don’t even know what to think about the whole situation. I see some more penguin hugging tears in the near future.

Here, let me break it down more clearly. This was our exact conversation:

Him: [sometime around 9:30am]:Hey

Me: [sometime around 12]: I’m in class.

Him: Sorry. I’ll leave you alone then.

Me: What’s Up?

Him: Nothing I made a made a mistake…sorry to bother you. seriously just forget I said anything.

Me: What? What do you mean? Did you need something? It’s OK.

Him: No..I have not been able to shake this whole thing…I have made myself not call you. I think about you every day. It’s just sucked. And your bday is coming up and I just wanted to tell you happy bday..I’m sorry. Please I just made a mistake. I was stupid to text you.

Me [several hours later]: …We still have the same thought process. It’s very weird. I was just thinking the same thing yesterday. I know what you mean. But you’re right. It’s too soon to talk. ILY. [I love you, for those of you who don't text?]

Him: I love you too baby [Not just I love you too, but I love you too BABY...major heart string tugging]

Me: I know. And thanks for the early happy bday. = ) I’m glad you didn’t forget all about me.This will be OK one day ya know? We’ll talk again..

Him: Just feels so wrong…Like all of it..Like this shouldn’t have happened. Well I’m moving soon. I would like to see you before I do.

Me: Where are you moving?

Him: Wilmington

Me: WTF? [OK, so this part was only in my head but still...]

Me: With who and why?

Him: Myself…Just wanted to get away. I liked it there. Saved some money..Looking for a job. Dad’s gonna help too with buying a house.

Me: What about the people you were playing music with here?

Him: They took too long so I just started writing my own stuff. The people on youtube like it….[I deleted this one so I don't remember exactly what it said.]

Me: Well I hope everything works out for you Christian

Him: [Still talking about Wilmington] There is a lot more opportunity there than there is here.

Me: True. There is.

Him: There’s a few things I’d change [not quite sure what he was referring to here? Maybe his music? Or maybe, he was referring to us NOT being the way we are now...as in he wants us  still together? Not sure]…But yeah thanks. You just know this Carmen. You are the love of my life. I will never forget you or what we had. And I will forever miss it. I know you’ll do well. Good luck with school baby [again with the baby]. Bye my guppy [his nickname for me]. I love you forever.

Me: Thank you. I know you will do well too. And I love you too. Always will. And I won’t forget anything either. Bye Flounder [my nickname for him] = )

That last text he sent me just about floored me. It felt like my heart was being stomped on. I literally had an aching feeling in my chest. It made me want to cry and I had to fight it so that I wouldn’t, because I had to go to work. I’ve heard those words already. I don’t understand the need to remind me. I don’t understand why he felt the desire to tell me this again. I don’t even understand why he contacted me at all really if he was just going to say  goodbye…again. It makes no sense. Did he contact me to tell me he was moving? To tell me happy birthday? Just to see what I was doing? I don’t know and I probably never will. I fought, and won, the urge to ask him why he contacted me in the first place. It would do no good. It would only make it hurt worse. There was a reason in his mind I’m sure. I don’t need to know. And he never mentioned wanting to see me again after he said it that once. He said he wanted to see me before he left and then he said his little goodbye speech and that was it. Why?

This really hurts. A lot more than it should. I feel guilty and sad and angry. But I mostly feel hurt…beyond words. I was getting over this. Slowly. Yeah, I missed “C” sometimes but I loved him. It’s only natural to miss someone you were in love with for 2 years. But I knew better than to contact him. I knew better than to do that to him, to us, or to myself. I can’t deal with this right now! It’s like I’m going to have to start the grieving process all over again and I hate it. Why can’t this just be the way it should be and that’s it? If we were supposed to be together then why aren’t we? If we weren’t then why does he keep himself in my life? He said I’m the love of his life. Am I? Wouldn’t we still be together if that were true?

I need a cookie.

For the First Time In A While

The other day, for the first time in a while, I thought about “C”, and I started to miss him.

It was about two days ago when it first started. I was looking through some pictures that I uploaded onto my new laptop from a flash drive I got from “C” before we broke up. It had the pictures from our trip to Wilmington on it. And as I was looking at them, I suddenly felt this overwhelming wave of sadness wash over me. I’ve looked at a lot of our pictures since we broke up but I have yet to feel the way I did when looking at those Wilmington pictures. I’m not sure what caused it.

Ever since I saw those pictures I have felt extremely sad. Maybe even depressed. Not constantly, but enough for me to notice that there is a little cloud hanging over my head.  Why? How have weeks gone by with nothing and now this? Is this just another inevitable part of the grieving process?

I miss “C” very much. I guess I always will to some degree. He was a very big part of my life for a long time. We went through surgeries, injuries, cancer cells, and death, among other things. But we didn’t go through a single one of those things without each other. It’s a lot to take in. Somewhere a long the line, everything went all wrong.

I’ve been keeping myself busy lately and I think that’s what has kept me from thinking of him. It wasn’t that I was over it, it was just that I wasn’t dwelling on things. I’m still not dwelling on them I don’t suppose. I’m just doing a lot more thinking than I previously was. I can’t help but wonder what he’s doing, where he’s at, who he’s with. I wonder if he’s OK, if he’s happy, if he got over me the way he wanted to. I wonder about all those things. Mostly, I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. And if I do, will it be painful, or will I be OK with it? There are a lot of things to think about.I drove past his house the other day on the way back from the mall. I met someone up there and didn’t know how to get home any other way. His mom was sitting on the porch and “C” wasn’t off work yet. I don’t know if she saw me, but if she did, I wonder what she thought. Do they all hate me now?

I miss you “C”, and I hope with all my heart that wherever you are, you’re happy.

I Believe

Hello all. Been a while.

I started college this week. I’ve been insanely busy. Full load of classes and work. Ugh. That schedule doesn’t leave much time for blogging. Ive also been planning my birthday party for the past week or so and even though that’s more exciting, it has still kept me busy. I’m taking Psychology, expository writing, American history, and art appreciation. I have term papers due in all four classes at around exactly the same time. Fun stuff. So I’m not really going to do a full update tonight. Instead I’ll leave you with this old blog post I wrote on May 13, 2007.

I believe…everything happens for a reason.

I believe…failure only exists if you refuse to keep trying.

I believe…the only cure for a broken heart is time.

I believe…in love at first site.

I believe…there is such a thing as too late.

I believe…in making the most of what you have.

I believe…”things turn out the best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.”

I believe…happiness doesn’t come to you; you have to go out and find it.

I believe…it’s okay to cry.

I believe…the small things in life that we take for granted are the things we’ll miss the most when they’re gone.

I believe…people don’t realize what they have until they lose it.

I believe…you can’t miss something that was never there in the first place.

I believe…nothing in life is overrated.

I believe…helping someone in need is the most meaningful thing one can do with his or her life.

I believe…music makes the world go round.

I believe…that if you never expect things, then you’ll never be disappointed.

I believe…that life is full of disappointments so expect the best anyway.

I believe…that you can never go your whole life without wondering at least once,  ”what if?”

I believe…we all make mistakes.

I believe…no one is perfect.

I believe…there is good in everyone.

I believe…fear is a person’s way of delaying the inevitable.

I believe…we should live every day like it’s our last.

I believe…in always telling your loved ones how much they mean to you, even if you’re mad.

I believe…you should never go to bed angry.

I believe…a life without love isn’t a life at all.

I believe…happiness is only a cookie away.

I believe…that we are more afraid of living than we are of dying.

I believe…every second that you’re angry is another second that could’ve been spent telling someone you love them.

I believe…a smile can make someone’s day without you even knowing it.

I believe…”Life goes on” whether you go with it or not.

I believe…if you don’t get what you want then you should work on wanting what you have.

I believe…there is more to life than what we see.

I believe…you can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I believe…what we do in our future depends on what we did in our past.

I believe…nothing is impossible.

I believe…those who are given second chances rarely take them.

I believe… ”Life doesn’t give us the people we want, it gives us the people we need. To teach us, to love us, to hurt us, to leave us…to make us into the people we are meant to be.”

I Like Big Boobs. Sorry

The other day, I was standing in the kitchen, talking to my mom. And in a tray on the table, thawing, was a turkey. This same turkey had been thawing on the counter for several hours before being moved to the table. The turkey was huge, like, Thanksgiving huge. And all day as this huge turkey lay on the counter/table and I had paid it no mind. It was just a really big turkey. Big deal.

Well, this particular time I was standing there, I happened to notice the label on the “turkey.” Honeysuckle White Turkey BREAST. This absolutely ginormous piece of meat was not a turkey after all. It was a turkey BOOB. A boob. So I did what any normal, sane person would do, and picked it up. I mean who wouldn’t think to do that? Duh. Then I proceeded to hold it up to my chest, ya know, imagining what it would be like to have boobs that big. I’m not exactly chesty so I have quite the fascination with big boobs….anywho…

As I was holding it up to my chest and trying to position it “just right”, I somehow poked a hole in the very end of the wrapping. I’m guessing it was my fingernails but that’s really not important here.

Like I mentioned earlier, the turkey BOOB had been thawing all day so it wasn’t frozen anymore. And this wasn’t a precooked turkey BOOB either so it had all kinds of gross, bloody, raw meat stuff in the wrapping.

All of a sudden my mom starts saying “Oh my God, it’s squirting! It’s squirting! There’s stuff coming out everywhere! Those aren’t typically words you want to hear while you’re holding a boob of any sort I would imagine. But I looked down and sure enough, the boob was squirting raw meat juice right out of the bottom. It looked like a severed artery the way it was just shooting out in little spurts at random. A steady stream too mind you. But that isn’t the worst part. It was squirting all over the top of my German Shepard’s head, who just so happened to be laying not even a foot from where I was standing. Being the lazy dog she is, she kept laying there, letting it squirt her in the head. That is until she figured out it was turkey juice. Then she moves just enough to lick the floor while still laying down.

After everything was cleaned up my brother walks in on a conversation that sounds something like this:

Mom: “What in the world possessed you to pick up the thing anyway?”

Me: “I don’t know, I was in awe of how big it was.” I couldn’t believe it was a boob.”

Mom: “Well, you should have never picked up the “boob” and held it to your chest. If you hadn’t picked up the boob, it would’ve never started squirting everywhere.”

Me: “I’m sorry I have an obsession with big ones.”

Yeah, I can imagine that was a very awkward moment to over hear. Almost as awkward as me trying to explain why I picked up a turkey breast and held it to my chest in the first place.

*Sigh*

And Reality Came Crashing In

Reality…

Last night I was on the computer talking to my most recent ex before “C.” Yes, you heard that right. I’ve been talking to him off and on for a while now. I actually talked to him for the first time, before “C” and I ever broke up this last time. I talked to him right after “C” broke up with me the time before this. Long story. I’ll spare you.

Anywho, I didn’t talk to him but once a week or so at first, but now I talk to him almost nightly. It’s nothing like what most people would think. There are no feelings there. I didn’t start talking to him as a replacement for “C” or anything like that. I started talking to him because well, I hadn’t talked to him in over two years and I wondered how life was going for him. And I talked to him because I knew he was the only other person that knew me ALMOST as well as “C.”["C" still knows me best]I was hurt and sad and angry and I needed to vent to someone that might would understand.

So that’s how this started…

Last night as I was talking to him, he told me that he’s going to marry the girl he’s dating now. For some reason, I felt like I was going to cry. I’m not sure why I felt that way because I wasn’t hurt by that statement. I don’t have feelings for him anymore. It’s nothing like that. I guess it just made me think of “C.” “C” and I were talking about getting married at one point. Of course it never worked out that way, but what “the ex” said just reminded me of that. I think it just struck a nerve because of the fact that “the ex” was once a potential “husband” and “C” was once a potential “husband” and now I have nothing. I’m all alone. It made me wish “C” and I were still together, living our happy little life just like “the ex” is doing. He’s moved on, learned some lessons, grown up a lot, and found true happiness. I was just at that same point, only to have it ripped out from under me. And it hurts a little to realize that.

My grandma and I were talking about the same thing this weekend. [shopping for college weekend] And she said she hopes that if he does decide to come back that he doesn’t wait too long because she knows how I am. I only mourn for so long before I push it aside and move on. I’ve always been that way. It’s a coping mechanism. In order to stop the pain, I force myself to get over it, distance myself, and move on. Why spend all my time being sad and hurt if this is it? Why sit around and wonder when he might come back if in reality, he’s never going to at all? I have to get used to life without him. Because there isn’t always a second chance waiting around the corner. And I told my grandma that even though I still love him and miss him, I still probably wouldn’t take him back. I told her that we could probably never be together anyway. We’re too different. We get along great but as far as morals and standards, we’re not the same. I told her that I hope with all my heart that he doesn’t come back a couple of months from now when I’ve moved on, and want to get back together because I’d have to hurt him. But after I thought about it, I realized I’d hurt him either way. Whether he comes back around now [when I still have some feelings for him] or later [after I've forced those feelings aside and moved on], I would still have to let him go. We just can’t be together…

When I went to bed last night, I grabbed my giant stuffed penguin that “C” got me  for Christmas this year, and just cried. One last broken hearted cry. It was then that I realized, this is really it. This is goodbye. The world is still spinning, people are still living their lives, it’s time to move on. “C” is moving on too. And I think that really sunk in for the first time since this breakup. It hit me, how long we had been apart already. Almost a month. “C” is probably doing his best to forget about me. He may even have another girlfriend by now. It probably means nothing. Just a way to force his feelings for me, to the back of his mind. But the thought of him having fun, and being with someone else, without me…hurts beyond words. But I have to let it go. I have to move on. And after last night, I think I can do just that. I’m strong. I’ll make it.

I haven’t contacted “C” since Thursday. That was the last day that I sent an “I love you” text. He didn’t reply. The last day I actually had contact with him [as in, "C" responding] was Wednesday when I told him about my bee sting. I turned my phone off Friday around 1:30pm. I debated on turning it back on to see if maybe he called after work but I didn’t. My phone has been off since then. I just turned it on again this morning to find a few texts from my best friend and a few pointless voicemails. Nothing from “C.” I guess that just finalizes what I already knew. This is the end. He isn’t thinking about me, so I should stop thinking about him. I have said goodbye, but now I must feel goodbye. My heart has to let go the same way my mind already has…

Goodbye “C”. I love you.

Pitbull Attack

Ha. Totally Kidding…sorta.

This here is what I’d like to call a friendly attack. Just goes to show how strong my girl is. She merely jumped up on my leg while we were on a walk and this is the result.

This is how far down it goes....

 

Looks pretty bad right? Yesterday it was only a red welt. I thought it would only be a scratch. Turns out she has a little too much muscle behind all that cuteness.

And this is how big it is...

 

It hurts like a mofo!

Another View

I’m hiring a trainer to teach her not to jump so much. She’s not aggressive, she’s just hyper. And hyper+muscle/strength=DANGEROUS…

I Know It’s Wrong

You know the bee that stung me the other day?

Yeah well, I sent a text to “C” the day after, with a picture, telling him what happened. He didn’t reply but the next morning, as in yesterday morning, I woke up to find a text on my phone. It was from “C.” It said, “Is your hand OK?” I sent one back that said “Yeah it’s OK, just really swollen and kind of hard for some reason.” His reply was “Oh OK.” Oh OK? What kind of reply is that? Made no sense. I guess he was trying to act like he really didn’t care but he can’t fool me. The simple fact that he asked if I was OK means he still cares. Yay! He still cares. So I capitalized on the moment and sent him an “I love you” text. He didn’t reply. But it’s OK. I know he still cares or he wouldn’t have replied to anything at all.

So later in the day, I got bored and decided I’d take another picture of my hand, which was now swollen even bigger. And then I decided I’d send it to “C.” I had now found the key to him talking to me. Act injured. HE STILL CARES. It’s wrong to take advantage of the fact that he still cares you say? Psssh. He might not tell me he loves me anymore but he doesn’t even have to because I know he still does. He won’t reply to “I love you” texts but he WILL reply to reports of injury. That’ll do for now. It’s something at least.

I took the picture and I sent it to him with a little note that said “It’s even more swollen than it was before, and it’s hard like something is under the skin.” He replies with, “You should go to the doctor if it gets any worse.” Ha! It works like a charm. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feign a broken limb. Anyways, I reply with, “I don’t have insurance and I think it’ll be fine anyway. I’m not allergic, I don’t think. I just thought I’d show you since it looks pretty wicked. You like weird stuff, lol.” I actually meant to say gnarly instead of wicked because that was the word “C” and I used, but I couldn’t remember if it was spelled with a G or a K. Then “C” replies with, “Yeah it is gnarly.” OMG! He said gnarly! And it’s a G. Dangit why couldn’t I remember that! So I sent him a text back that said, “!!! That’s totally the word I was going to use but I couldn’t remember how to spell it!!! Lol.” And that was the last I heard from him. For now. I’m thinking of new “injuries” as we speak.

I know this is wrong. Really wrong. But I want “C” to be my friend. I love him to death. I hate the way we aren’t talking. All this time we’ve known each other and now we aren’t talking. He was my friend for about 3 years before we even started dating. And then we dated for almost 2 years. That’s too much time spent to just give up. And I won’t. I may be making the biggest mistake of my life by continuing to contact him. I may be setting myself up for even worse heartache. But I can’t just let go. Not Yet.